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I was born into the world of
wealth when I look at it from a global viewpoint. I cannot change that. I can’t live my life burdened by white guilt.
I’m not called (at least not at this moment) to live seeking to eschew every
comfort because I desire to live in solidarity with the poorest of the poor.
Suppose I could change my life though, not out of white guilt but out of true
response to Jesus’ call to follow, out of solidarity, out of my own
conviction? To live with the purest of
motives among the poor, the disadvantaged, the social rejects. Is that possible
to do with pure motivation?
I am reading Mountains Beyond Mountains for the first
time all the way through. I began it in college right before going to Africa or
right after, I’m not sure which. I don’t know why I didn’t finish it, except
that college got in the way. I don’t know if I would have wrestled with it then
as I am now. Paul Farmer is achingly compelling. Partners in Health is radically motivating.
But to what lifestyle? What the hell am I supposed to do with this? is what I
have been asking myself.
I’m losing sleep because I can’t
get the image of the Namibian aid worker sitting in a cargo-turned- Red Cross
building, leaning forward in his chair with hands folded, asking our group of students
why we were there. What did we hope to accomplish, he asked, by coming to his
country and touring around the poorest places? What were we going to do about
it when we went home? His questions probed at the very reason I was getting an
education. To have a skill set to be able to use for good. And what now? His
questions still leave me wondering. They seem transcendent, not tied to that
particular place in northern Namibia but rather capable of sweeping away
borders.
There are a few people in my life
or that were in my life who are answering those questions with actions. Ali,
Shelley, Laura, Katie, Caitlin and Joe, Sara and David, Jessica and
Rahj…they’ve all chosen action answers that are beyond the normal for most. One
of the reasons I wanted to go to FU was the passion I saw in Ali for justice,
for the ones least preferred. If there are other people like her that can teach
me something, I remember thinking, then I want it. Still there are others
who’ve chosen less disruptive ways of working through this call—but not less
worthy. Emily, Shealy, Drew, Lee, Jordan…each of these precious friends push me
to figure out what this looks like right here, wherever that is.
“This” is the palpable
discomfort I recognize as I think about the next five years of my life. I
graduated from a great school with a great degree. I have a full-time job with
benefits that has allowed me to nearly pay off my student loans, save some, and
have some fun money. I want to go back to school. The cost of a Masters degree
is high but not ridiculous (like undergrad). I want to wield it well. As in, if I spend 2.5 years of my life to add
some more skills and acquire some letters behind my name, then I want to spend
the next 25 years cultivating something good with those skills. And I want out
of the bubble.
I have this weird feeling that
Paul Farmer via Tracy Kidder is helping me pave a path through the bubble. The
way that he keeps the goal in sight challenges me, makes me lose sleep wishing
for the guts to put action behind my imagination. Maybe that sounds naïve, or
cliché, or like I’m slow to wake up to something my mentioned friends knew for
years now. I don’t care. I own it now, and there is nothing cliché about that.
Calling. Preferential option for
the poor. While keeping the Gospel the heart of it. Self serving motives. Desire for pure motives. Bursting the bubble.
Loving the Lord my God with all my heart, and my neighbor as myself. Here it
is, this the bundle of thoughts.
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